You want nothing more than to see your wife happy.
But only trying to satisfy your wife is causing you more problems.
Attempting to please her by simply changing your behavior doesn’t actually help.
Showing her why she shouldn’t be upset only creates more distrust.
These misunderstandings have caused issues in my marriage and I’ve seen this happen in every well intentioned man I’ve ever worked with.
Attempting to manage your relationship as a problem to fix will not serve it.
I’ve been working with men for over 15 years and I see it over and over. There is something we are missing when it comes to breaking through in getting that happy, stable, connected marriage we want.
It looks like this:
You are aware of problems with your communication, so you try and become more agreeable. Or you dig your heels in with more reasoned logic to “get her to see your side”. Neither bridge the gap.
Your wife is upset so you try and manage her mood. Then she feels like a problem to be solved.
Your wife wants you to provide more to satisfy her. So you work harder. Then she doesn’t like that you are so distracted.
Your wife wants you to be more proactive with the house duties. So you ask her what needs to be done. You end up exhausted. She says doesn’t want to have to tell you what to do.
It seems she only wants more and you can’t deliver. In your mind, you can’t ever do enough. And you are left without answers.
The problem isn’t your “want” to make things better. And it’s not your effort. The problem is you don’t know that you are “in” the relationship. Not outside of it.
This isn’t about satisfying her. That’s her job. And it’s not about reading her mind, you can’t.
And it’s definitely not about solving problems. You’ve got enough problems to deal with at work.
Everybody I know, myself included, is in a deficit. We don’t know what we don’t know.
But what if things weren’t as difficult as they seem? What if we just have to understand and see where we are standing in our relationship?
A marriage needs two people to be responsible for bringing their desire and love. And to lead from that desire.
Leading from a place of loving responsibility puts you in the marriage.
Managing a marriage from a place of obligation puts you outside the relationship.
You love your wife and you care about her. This is why you are being called to being someone greater than you’ve been.
My wife and I will feel disconnected when we’re living two separate lives inside the same household. I get lost in my own busyness. And when I do, I lose sight of the bigger picture. We’re both left feeling like we’re managing our lives separately.
The reality is that I’m building a life with her, not just trying to make it through the day. There’s nothing we can’t overcome when I remember the whole reason I am married. When I bring my love and courage to our struggles, whatever problem we have is already solved.
I’m not a victim to my life and I’m not a victim to my marriage challenges. When I am in the reality of creating what I want with my wife, I can stop waiting on her to change. I can make the desired change in that very moment.
This is a shift in your being. Going from problem solver, doer, manager, to co-creator with the woman you love.
Being willing to consciously shift from obligation to creating makes all the difference.
This the shift I walk men through to create a loving and peaceful foundation in their lives. And when that happens, everything changes.
Not tactics and strategies but a new way of being.
More creating. More presence. More of the marriage you actually want.